My milkshake.

Doctor: "Do you consider yourself an anxious person?"
Nat: "Oh no. I'm really relaxed. I try to meditate and breathe, I'm pretty calm."
Doctor: "Ok great. Go ahead and relax your body......do you feel relaxed?"
Nat: "Yeah I feel pretty good."
Doctor: "Ok. So according to the bio feedback your muscle tension is at about 78......it's normal to be somewhere between 0 and 2."

Yep...... This is what real life and a full time job has done to me.

Trust me I'm grateful. After a year of intense searching, losing my sanity (several times), taking way too many naps, and compromising my art I finally found the most amazing job I could ever ask for. It's not easy, but I can wear yoga pants everyday, so I've essentially reached my primary goal. After working with these kids and trying to bring art to traumatized children I realized that I have arrived exactly where I am meant to be.

That being said. I spend the majority of my spare time looking up various destinations for my next vacation.

I used to think that all of my troubles would be solved once I graduated college. Then I realized I had a whole new set of troubles and that those would be solved once I got a big girl job. Now that I have that I've finally been able to relate to one of the greatest statements of all time: "Mo money mo problems"

At the wise old age of 24 I've officially figured out that the older I get the less I know. I've also come to terms with the fact that I need at least 9 hours of sleep to function. If you all thought that I acted like a grandma before, you should see me now.

Recently I've also been having strange thoughts of adulthood. Thoughts like saving money, house hunting, getting wifed up, have all crossed my mind. For some people this is normal, for me I'm thinking it's a sure sign of some sort of mental illness. I'm assuming I've been a victim of an unknown propoganda scam. Most likely delievered through Facebook, I knew that site was trouble.

I got a new nephew last month. He's perfect. Just like my other nephew. I love being an aunt. You can have children without dealing with the financial burden or the birthing experience.

One of my co workers told me that I needed to have a talk show. I told him that since my voice is unusually irritating a reality show might be the better choice. Then everyone could see how ridiculous my life is. But then I realized that the t.v screen would add 10 more pounds to my already fluffy figure. I think I'm a little too young to be a role model for the morbidly obese community, so I decided to wait a few years.

Thankfully I've noticed that a woman's weight really doesn't affect the amount of male attention she receives. I've never been as huge as I am now and I've also never brought as many boys to the yard...it must be my milkshake.

Back to my muscle tension. Apparently I've been internalizing all of my anxiety these last 6 years and it is now showing up in my body. Perfect. I was told I should probably be getting frequent massages. I don't like massages, they give me anxiety.....do you see my issue? So I've been spending a lot of time performing my prescribed relaxation techniques and dancing freely.

Speaking of dancing freely. I still love dancing. I'm still obsessed with teaching. And I think we could all use a little bit of comp class right now about now........p.s no dance major thought any one of us would ever feel that way.

Lets also thank the universe that Jay-z's new album is amazing and  that on December 3rd of this year I will be reunited with my hero Beyonce. All hail hova...... And my Queen B.

That's the update. If you need me I'll be trying to save children, teaching dance, doing yoga, trying to fall in love, and idolizing Beyonce.

Love Always,
Nat

Either way I'm a zebra.

After the last ballet class of my college career my beautiful hero Muriel Joyce asked me what I wanted to do with my life now that I was going to graduate. This is clearly a complex question that even back then immediately triggered feelings of nausea, anxiety and anger but I calmly replied: "Honestly. I just want to take class and choreograph all day, and then teach all night. And take naps" She proceeded to laugh in my face and replied with: "Well then, you should have been finding a really rich husband"

 Although this directly contradicts my feminist education and basically everything I believe in.......she's pretty much right. All that time I wasted journaling could have been spent finding a perfectly suitable business major, because God knows I would have never walked all the way across campus to the computer science building.

What I have learned to accept in all six months of my graduated wisdom is that if you are not struggling then you are not on your way. Nobody was given a clear path to their dreams. We all have to settle, stifle ourselves, and put up with all of the ugliness before we reach where it is we are supposed to be. I bet it was not Muriel Joyce's dream at 24 to be telling one of her hundreds of students that they should have been trying to get wifed up for the past five years......But I am sure that Muriel is right where she is meant to be.

One of the most important things I have ever taught myself is that if you want to do something then you will do it. It's simple. If you believe you are a zebra, then you are a zebra. And that's the end of that.

Art is everywhere. It follows me. It surrounds me. It lives within me. No matter where I go, especially if I don't want to be there. As long as I am true to that then I am still on my path.

The idea of art surrounding me became very evident today as I convinced the 54 year old store manager for Office Depot that he should really consider meditation and journaling to further connect with himself. This was in the middle of our interview. And I'm pretty sure he's down.

The moral of the story is I really don't mind what my next job is. Either way I'm a zebra. Plus, in seven years I will be receiving monthly royalty checks from my international best selling memoirs. Duh.

In other news. If you have not watched the beautiful Beyonce documentary then do so immediately.

Love Always,
Nat =)

On to the next one.

I have been a lifelong hater of New Years. I never understood why someone decided that January 1st was the day we started over. I hate New Years Resolutions. Drunk drivers. Overrated anticipation. The Rose Parade. Midnight kisses. and dressing up. Plus, count downs give me anxiety. You should know by now how I feel about change. All of this is relevant when speaking about my distaste for the holiday, that being said, I had a pretty good year.

Now that I spend time talking about myself and you spend time reading it I thought I would give you guys some basic facts about my time in 2012:

I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE. Unbelievable.

I found my voice. Artistically. Literally. Confidently.

(Side note) Despite the fact that I managed to receive a degree and a minor I still am not one hundred percent sure how to spell words like unbelievable or confidently. Shoot man.

I found an irreplaceable family that the universe placed me with. They are beautiful people, artists and friends. They are the only ones who will ever understand what I went through. They're with me forever. And I could not have done it without them.

In true Pisces fashion I spent an entire semester kissing a really cool boy and not telling. HA HA.

I officially grew OUT of my size LARGE leggings. Fuck. So I resorted to buying jeans online, they always have your size and you can avoid the whole trying on process.

I went back to New York. The home land.

FINALLY got the sequins uggs I've been wanting for two years. Its official. Beautiful things come to those who wait.

I camped. Miraculously.

I successfully and unintentionally avoided my first pap smear. Which sadly resulted in an ultrasound, and no one tells you this, but those suck too.

Got my first post college job. Turned down my first post college job. What an idiot.

Through that rejection I reminded myself that my heart lies at Encore and with the kids that I teach.

Watched the greatest example of true love that I have ever seen get married <3 BEAUTIFUL.

Felt defeated by the real world which as it turns out is way worse than feeling defeated by college.

Officially became way too REAL for Tillys. I learned that honesty is not always well received. I also learned that I really don't care.

Learned how to apply liquid eyeliner. Life changing.

Didn't settle. Even though I really wanted to.

School was hard. Life after school was even harder. The fear of disappointing myself is higher than it's ever been, and even after all of that I can't remember a time that I have been more excited to start again.

Aside from the whole college thing none of this was too monumental. So I guess I'll go back to studying all things Beyonce. Good luck over the next 364 days.
From the girl who hates all things new.........
HAPPY 2013.