My milkshake.

Doctor: "Do you consider yourself an anxious person?"
Nat: "Oh no. I'm really relaxed. I try to meditate and breathe, I'm pretty calm."
Doctor: "Ok great. Go ahead and relax your body......do you feel relaxed?"
Nat: "Yeah I feel pretty good."
Doctor: "Ok. So according to the bio feedback your muscle tension is at about 78......it's normal to be somewhere between 0 and 2."

Yep...... This is what real life and a full time job has done to me.

Trust me I'm grateful. After a year of intense searching, losing my sanity (several times), taking way too many naps, and compromising my art I finally found the most amazing job I could ever ask for. It's not easy, but I can wear yoga pants everyday, so I've essentially reached my primary goal. After working with these kids and trying to bring art to traumatized children I realized that I have arrived exactly where I am meant to be.

That being said. I spend the majority of my spare time looking up various destinations for my next vacation.

I used to think that all of my troubles would be solved once I graduated college. Then I realized I had a whole new set of troubles and that those would be solved once I got a big girl job. Now that I have that I've finally been able to relate to one of the greatest statements of all time: "Mo money mo problems"

At the wise old age of 24 I've officially figured out that the older I get the less I know. I've also come to terms with the fact that I need at least 9 hours of sleep to function. If you all thought that I acted like a grandma before, you should see me now.

Recently I've also been having strange thoughts of adulthood. Thoughts like saving money, house hunting, getting wifed up, have all crossed my mind. For some people this is normal, for me I'm thinking it's a sure sign of some sort of mental illness. I'm assuming I've been a victim of an unknown propoganda scam. Most likely delievered through Facebook, I knew that site was trouble.

I got a new nephew last month. He's perfect. Just like my other nephew. I love being an aunt. You can have children without dealing with the financial burden or the birthing experience.

One of my co workers told me that I needed to have a talk show. I told him that since my voice is unusually irritating a reality show might be the better choice. Then everyone could see how ridiculous my life is. But then I realized that the t.v screen would add 10 more pounds to my already fluffy figure. I think I'm a little too young to be a role model for the morbidly obese community, so I decided to wait a few years.

Thankfully I've noticed that a woman's weight really doesn't affect the amount of male attention she receives. I've never been as huge as I am now and I've also never brought as many boys to the yard...it must be my milkshake.

Back to my muscle tension. Apparently I've been internalizing all of my anxiety these last 6 years and it is now showing up in my body. Perfect. I was told I should probably be getting frequent massages. I don't like massages, they give me anxiety.....do you see my issue? So I've been spending a lot of time performing my prescribed relaxation techniques and dancing freely.

Speaking of dancing freely. I still love dancing. I'm still obsessed with teaching. And I think we could all use a little bit of comp class right now about now........p.s no dance major thought any one of us would ever feel that way.

Lets also thank the universe that Jay-z's new album is amazing and  that on December 3rd of this year I will be reunited with my hero Beyonce. All hail hova...... And my Queen B.

That's the update. If you need me I'll be trying to save children, teaching dance, doing yoga, trying to fall in love, and idolizing Beyonce.

Love Always,
Nat

Either way I'm a zebra.

After the last ballet class of my college career my beautiful hero Muriel Joyce asked me what I wanted to do with my life now that I was going to graduate. This is clearly a complex question that even back then immediately triggered feelings of nausea, anxiety and anger but I calmly replied: "Honestly. I just want to take class and choreograph all day, and then teach all night. And take naps" She proceeded to laugh in my face and replied with: "Well then, you should have been finding a really rich husband"

 Although this directly contradicts my feminist education and basically everything I believe in.......she's pretty much right. All that time I wasted journaling could have been spent finding a perfectly suitable business major, because God knows I would have never walked all the way across campus to the computer science building.

What I have learned to accept in all six months of my graduated wisdom is that if you are not struggling then you are not on your way. Nobody was given a clear path to their dreams. We all have to settle, stifle ourselves, and put up with all of the ugliness before we reach where it is we are supposed to be. I bet it was not Muriel Joyce's dream at 24 to be telling one of her hundreds of students that they should have been trying to get wifed up for the past five years......But I am sure that Muriel is right where she is meant to be.

One of the most important things I have ever taught myself is that if you want to do something then you will do it. It's simple. If you believe you are a zebra, then you are a zebra. And that's the end of that.

Art is everywhere. It follows me. It surrounds me. It lives within me. No matter where I go, especially if I don't want to be there. As long as I am true to that then I am still on my path.

The idea of art surrounding me became very evident today as I convinced the 54 year old store manager for Office Depot that he should really consider meditation and journaling to further connect with himself. This was in the middle of our interview. And I'm pretty sure he's down.

The moral of the story is I really don't mind what my next job is. Either way I'm a zebra. Plus, in seven years I will be receiving monthly royalty checks from my international best selling memoirs. Duh.

In other news. If you have not watched the beautiful Beyonce documentary then do so immediately.

Love Always,
Nat =)

On to the next one.

I have been a lifelong hater of New Years. I never understood why someone decided that January 1st was the day we started over. I hate New Years Resolutions. Drunk drivers. Overrated anticipation. The Rose Parade. Midnight kisses. and dressing up. Plus, count downs give me anxiety. You should know by now how I feel about change. All of this is relevant when speaking about my distaste for the holiday, that being said, I had a pretty good year.

Now that I spend time talking about myself and you spend time reading it I thought I would give you guys some basic facts about my time in 2012:

I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE. Unbelievable.

I found my voice. Artistically. Literally. Confidently.

(Side note) Despite the fact that I managed to receive a degree and a minor I still am not one hundred percent sure how to spell words like unbelievable or confidently. Shoot man.

I found an irreplaceable family that the universe placed me with. They are beautiful people, artists and friends. They are the only ones who will ever understand what I went through. They're with me forever. And I could not have done it without them.

In true Pisces fashion I spent an entire semester kissing a really cool boy and not telling. HA HA.

I officially grew OUT of my size LARGE leggings. Fuck. So I resorted to buying jeans online, they always have your size and you can avoid the whole trying on process.

I went back to New York. The home land.

FINALLY got the sequins uggs I've been wanting for two years. Its official. Beautiful things come to those who wait.

I camped. Miraculously.

I successfully and unintentionally avoided my first pap smear. Which sadly resulted in an ultrasound, and no one tells you this, but those suck too.

Got my first post college job. Turned down my first post college job. What an idiot.

Through that rejection I reminded myself that my heart lies at Encore and with the kids that I teach.

Watched the greatest example of true love that I have ever seen get married <3 BEAUTIFUL.

Felt defeated by the real world which as it turns out is way worse than feeling defeated by college.

Officially became way too REAL for Tillys. I learned that honesty is not always well received. I also learned that I really don't care.

Learned how to apply liquid eyeliner. Life changing.

Didn't settle. Even though I really wanted to.

School was hard. Life after school was even harder. The fear of disappointing myself is higher than it's ever been, and even after all of that I can't remember a time that I have been more excited to start again.

Aside from the whole college thing none of this was too monumental. So I guess I'll go back to studying all things Beyonce. Good luck over the next 364 days.
From the girl who hates all things new.........
HAPPY 2013.

We are all made of stars.

It has become very apparent that at the seemingly young age of 23 I need to start considering retirement. Despite my hatred for retail I am struggling to find confidence in anything else. And as far as teaching goes it has come to my attention that every Wednesday after my four hours with the children I am extremely tense and sore......I have a feeling my choreography has become too real for even me. I can barely move right now, I guess I popped and locked it too hard, thank God I knew better than to drop it.

Speaking of dancing, I just watched the "Gangam Style" music video right now. It is by far the most brilliant thing I've ever seen. I was doing those moves 15 years ago, too bad I phones didn't exist yet.

But in all honesty. I am essentially writing this blog to avoid the e-mail that I need to send to my dream employer about how I cannot accept his offer because it does not accommodate my schedule. In times like these when everyone I know is in debt due to college, credit cards, or in my case the basic cost of living, who am I to turn down a job offer. I won't regret it because I know that I have my priorities right, it's just that these are big girl decisions and I don't even want to get out of bed.

I know that my future is not for me to know yet but I wish I had enough courage to see beyond what's happening now. Everyone knows that I hate change but for someone who's obsessed with journaling and meditating you would think I'd be able to at least understand myself better. But no. This is the girl that avoided dealing with her broken heart for an entire year, has worked at the same lame retail store for 5 and half, and pressed snooze approximately 7 times this morning. Shoot.

In other news. I'm moving to Yosemite.

I spent this entire weekend living out my life long dream of being Pocahantas. There is definitely something to be said for an abundance of tall colored trees, falling leaves, sleeping outside, walking in meadows, deer, giant rocks, boys that know how to build tents, sitting in the middle of a river, glaciers, not showering, triple layering your socks, the idea that my world came from an explosion and that in the end, just like the beginning, we are all made of stars.

I also just had a realization that after countless educational papers and so much time spent writing I am still not 100% sure when you should use "too" as opposed to "to". If this bothers you, I apologize, thankfully I was still able to obtain my degree, so it's all good in the hood.

My cat Katie has officially become my new hero. After years spent ruling the streets, regulating on opossums and various other animals, she has retired to a spacious box on our kitchen floor. She is happy napping, getting pet, and occasionally yelling at us when we don't give her enough attention. Our lives seem really parallel, I can't wait to be just like her.

I am so thankful for that job offer. I can't believe that super nice man thought that a girl with a dance degree, a really loud laugh, an affinity to all things east coast, and basically no experience was worth his position. I'm annoyed that I have to tell him no and even more annoyed that I can't imagine something better. That's ok. I think that overall, I've learned through my experiences of sleeping in forests and idolizing Katie that everything else is much bigger than me. I'll find my place soon enough. For now I need to focus on applying to even more jobs, remembering to always check my spam because sometimes there's worthwhile stuff in there, getting out of bed in a timely manner, writing my feminist novel, doing more pilates, and most importantly...... moisturizing.

"I don't run because I hear the train. If I miss it. It wasn't mine. "

Love Always,

Nat <3

Matters of the Heart

Firstly, I can always count on Tegan and Sara to release a song pertaining to the very thoughts I've been having all week on the very day that they all imploded in my mind. Let me just briefly state that I absolutely love Tegan and Sara...... Forever...... Almost every song. I would date either of them instantly, but preferably Sara.

That being said, here is the order in which I love people.
1. I'm 23 years old, I have no real financial burdens and I know an unnecessary amount of information about an unnecessary amount of topics. So obviously I am my first priority. If I learned anything in the  past year it is that you must love yourself the most, be brave, and be especially true to your passions. Recognize where you thrive and try not to let it scare you. We are all allowed days in which we lay in our beds and cry about it. But hopefully at the end of that day you understand and respect yourself a little more
2. I love my mother the second most. If it weren't for her and her sacrifices there would be no me. Also, I believe in getting crazy and doing whatever you want as long as your mom isn't disappointed. Luckily, my mom is pretty crazy, and does exactly what she wants. Duh.
3. I love my sister. She is the only person who will ever understand my entire life because she was there for the whole thing...... and she lived it too.
4. Then the rest of my family and the friends whom I elect to be my family. I will also say that I was graced with the most wonderful friends and I have no idea how I got so lucky =)
5. Beyonce. Enough said.

So where does the love of my life fit in? Do I get a soul mate? I'm really not sure. Ever since you're little you wait for the prince and God help the girl that waits for her princess.......We are born thinking that we get to have the wedding and be just like our parents. Luckily, I was a feminist since birth and never once cared about boyfriends or weddings, but let's stick with the generalizations. So you get to high school and you hold hands, find body parts and fall in love. After however long that has taken you inevitably and far too often irreversibly get your heart broken. You would think you've learned your lesson.....but you didn't. You'll go in circles with the same one, or even a new one and repeatedly make the same mistakes until your heart gets tired. Then you encounter the "you don't give a fuck" (except for you actually do) stage. This is where you fill your time trying really hard to stay "unattached". After a lot of fun, wasted time, and people who may have stood a chance, you're officially tired. Tired of thinking about anyone else and all matters of the heart.

No matter how jaded I've become I am still really good at loving my list of 5 people, my life, and especially rap music. Broken hearts don't affect our ability to love they affect our minds in the sense that we cannot help but be weary. We are defensive, controlling, and essentially scared. I think broken hearts can derail us from our dreams and passions, and make us less brave in loving ourselves. But I think that mostly, we've been approaching this the wrong way.

During the falling in love process we confuse affection with romance and romance with love. But the more I think about it the more I realize that true love is what I have for my family and elected family. It has nothing to do with hand holding and promising. Obviously sometimes it gets to that, but we should never have those expectations because then we compromise the possibility of genuine soul mates. For the people who I fell in love with...... when I thought it was perfect and I was all set.....they're gone. They left without a trace. So I have to re assess what I define as in love. Maybe it's not the body parts and emotional letters. We are never going to find our soul mates if we create a type for ourselves, or sabotage friendships before you even hold hands. You are especially not finding a soul mate if you go looking for one. All I have to say, is do not rule out the boy that's 12 years older than you, or the one you found at a New Years party when you thought it was all over.....=)

Another word of advice. Stop trying to please boys, girls, or our culture, and just please yourself. I know it's really hard and I try to save all of the girls I teach from the advertising, curling irons, and negative self images. But I know it's a struggle.To all of the people who judged my harry potter shirts, hair in a bun, sequins headband, and lack of knowledge about any makeup......I'm pretty sure I was right. Being genuine is really important.

Please note. All of this relationship wisdom is coming from the chronically single girl. Who has read every book in the Women's Studies shelf at Barnes and Noble and is more often than not mistaken for a lesbian.

If you lost me somewhere in the middle just know that you need to love your mother, invest in quality friendships, and be genuine. For any further questions listen to Tegan and Sara's new song "Closer", they'll tell you all about it.

Love Always, Nat

Post Collegiate Depression

All of the best artists always have some sort of creative catastrophe or ultimate breakdown.... Martha Graham went crazy, Jay Z retired, Britney Spears shaved her head, and poor Van Gough killed himself before anyone ever liked him. I mean, clearly I'm no where near comparable to these people, (even though I will be), but I guess I needed my own sense of personal tragedy to inspire my future works of genius. Obviously. Luckily, I'm not alone. I graduated with beautiful people who understand my uphill artistic battle completely. Even though none of our breakdowns or  seemingly senseless conniptions will be relevant when we're famous, right now, they are way too extreme. You know you are suffering from post collegiate depression (PCD, which is a self established term that I should probably patent before some medical company tries to take credit for my research) when you can relate to any of the following:

1. You no longer have any idea where you will be next Thursday at 1:00. Every college student has nearly every hour of their week scheduled. A lack of a consistent schedule is detrimental to our sanity. This brings upon feelings of uncertainty, which instead of making you feel more "free" makes you feel more irate.

2. Annoyance, anxiety, anger, and ambiguity are basically the only emotions you can relate to.

3. You do not, under any circumstance want to wear pants. There is this strange new thing about clothing I have noticed since I have entered post graduate adulthood. I don't want anything touching me. Clothes have become far too confining. Not only are you way fatter so nothing fits, you just do not have the energy to even think about putting anything on. Jeans and bras have become my absolute worst nightmare.

4. Once you graduate every single thing that could possibly go wrong pretty much does. You do not get the teaching schedule you want, your car breaks, you're poor, you have a dry scalp, low blood pressure, everyone hates you at work, people become way more ignorant, you're always thirsty, and your college calls to tell you that even though you thought you graduated, you actually didn't.

5. If you only scream or cry once that day......it's probably the best day of the week.

6. The only romance necessary or present in your life includes a boy, air conditioning or a fan, and t.v....... To be honest, you could probably do without the boy.

7. You're reading books about forced adoption in the 60's or the untimely death of Amy Winehouse because those are pretty much the only two situations worse than your own.

8. You miss dancing and every time you think of last year and your amazing teachers you start crying. This usually occurs in the car, in public, or while teaching your own children. Trust me.

I know that all of this is a massive over dramatization and that eventually I will be ok. I'm assuming I'll be fine once I'm famous. Which brings me to a whole other list of things I need to focus on:
I am more likely to become published and famous when I:

1. Write more blogs.
2. Eat less candy.....But then again eating candy makes me fatter, which makes my boobs bigger. And statistically I have a much better chance of employment and fame the larger my breasts.....this is how I rationalize all those sour patch kids.

It's been a pleasure complaining. If you made it to this point in the blog without hating me for how ungrateful I sound you are either an amazing friend or my mother. Regardless, thank you.

Love, Nat =)

Post Graduation Crisis.

In an unexpected yet delightful turn of events I, Natalie Lynn Faris graduated from college. Some may have seen it coming, seeing as I had been in school for the past 5 years, but personally I was shocked.  It was the most amazing day ever. That being said. No one really graduates from a Cal State. They walk across a stage before they pay 6 more fees, take at least two summer school classes, and then receive their diploma ten months later. I love education, it's a real treat.

When I was 16 years old I did not own a hair straightener. I did not believe in bobby pins, blow dryers or hair spray of any kind. I made sure to dress everyday in my best sweats, dance shirt and accessorize with a sequins headband. The only things I really cared about were dancing, and my dreamy boyfriend. Yep. While my dancing career was at an all time high and my image awareness at an all time low, I was dating the cutest most charming boy in school. I'm assuming it was my personality that won him over because it definitely wasn't the headband. Now at 23 I possess my very own straightener, dance degree, and strong opposition to any mention of boyfriends. I mean, I thought I definitely upped my game in the last seven years but I guess that's negotioable.

As a smart single girl I have learned that boyfriends don't matter. Instead, I need to worry about art, family, friends, the children I teach and vacations. In that very specific order. But now, as I approach the year of at least three weddings I'm starting to wonder about my own prospects. Obviously I have my own much too feminist opinions on weddings, but I'm still secretly crossing my fingers for the day that some brilliant artist realizes that I'm the one. Or even Lil Wayne, I could be in love with Lil Wayne. But even as I typed that I immidiatley remembered that it has almost been a full year since my latest heartbreak and Lil Wayne probably doesn't believe in marriage either. So I guess we're all gravy.

I need to move to Los Angeles. Had I written this blog six months ago I would have said the exact opposite of that statement. But I think it's time for my very own big girl life. Which hopefully does not include eight hour workdays or a job that requires shoes. I'm pretty sure I was Pocahantas in my last life and re born as a modern day gypsy. Either way, I don't do shoes.

I miss dancing. I am already having withdrawls from my college classes and it's been less than a month. You know you were born crazy when three weeks with no ballet is a fate worse than death. I have finally outgrown Tillys and am scared out of my mind. I want a new job but I don't want to find one. I want to be in L.a but I don't want to move. I want to be in New York but I think the universe is arguing with me. And lastly, I want to be a famous Broadway star, but I don't know how to sing. Thankfully we can blame my parents for the last one.

If my ten year old self could see me now she would wonder why I haven't released at least two albums, been on t.v, and won an Oscar. Time really is ticking. All of these thoughts make me want Albertos. Which reminds me. I thought emotinal eating was a temporary college condition. Don't worry. I was very wrong. Burning off what you ate is a temporary college condition, once you graduate all of those emotions go directly to your ass. Perfect.

All of that said, I think I'm coping pretty well. Graduating college is nothing that a good pair of leggings can't fix. Wish me luck. Hopefully my next blog is written in an apartment that I share with my gay bestie, that I pay way too much for. Dear real world, this should be good.

Love Always,
Nat <3